There are lots of reasons we all loved the late Molly Ivans, but this exerpt from one of her last works is a great example of why we love her so much.
"And just to prove to you that it’s not some crazy out in MillValley, we had one the other day, a small town in South Carolina, the perp was extremely drunk. And he had decided in his drunken state that it would be fun to screw a pumpkin, and so he did. And the police came up to him and said, "sir, are you aware that you’re screwing a pumpkin?"And he said, "damn, is it midnight already?""