Our buddy Jesus' General analyzes campaign songs trying to Divine (pun intended) the character of the candidate from the song he (or she) chooses for their campaign rallies. He warns us of the "dangers" of these songs chosen by our "ungodly" candidates.
For instance, Barak Obama chose Stevie Wonder's Signed, Sealed, Delivered for his victory rally in South Carolina. (The General warns us: " it's the kind of devil music that gets the hips a moving in such away that you're fornicating all over the place before you even realize it. ")
Hillary chose Celin Dion's You and I as her song. Again, the General warns us: " has the opposite effect on people. Listening to it causes a man's little soldier to crawl up inside itself and hide, thus making fornication impossible for at least a month."
The General suggests theme songs for the Republican hopefuls...here are his suggestions:
Rudy Giuliani - They're Coming to Take Me Away by Napoleon XIV. Why? Well, because, as he announced during a speech to the Coral Gables Rotary Club, he actually is Napoleon XIV.
Mike Huckabee - Every Sperm is Sacred by Monty Python. We'd have no problem passing Huckabee's personhood amendment to the Constitution if every American heard this song.
Mitt Romney - The Girl from Ipanema by Antonio Carlos Jobim. Because when he passes, each one he passes goes "ahhhh." There's nothin' wrong with having a president who has a purty mouth.
Ron Paul - The Horst Wessel Song. Isn't it time to get the government off the back of your local jackboot cobbler?
John McCain - Bomb Iran - because he sings it from the heart.